Maximizing the Happiness in Your Marriage - II

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Jim Daly: Today, author and researcher Shanti Feldhahn shares simple ways to improve your marriage like this.
Shanti Feldhahn: Another little sign that really mattered to show your love for your wife was things like texting her or leaving her voicemail during the day. Just you know, how much you care about her and you if what the women said is if literally it'll take 10 seconds and send that text message right when you're thinking of it to say, you know, I can't wait to come home to you. I love you so much. It'll take you 10 seconds. But the women said things like I saved that voicemail. You know, it because it's a little thing, guys, but it really does matter.
Jim Daly: You'll hear more ideas from Shanti Feldhahn today and this is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller. John, as we explained last time, Shanti Feldhahn has spent years studying research findings from thousands of married couples and has interviewed hundreds of couples who have extremely strong and happy relationships. Shanti believes that the best way to have a good marriage is to copy what happy couples are already doing and that's what she is sharing with us again today. And if you missed part one of Shanti's presentation last time, get in touch with us. We can send you the entire message on CD or an audio download or you can get the Focus on the Family app for your smartphone. It's all available at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or give us a call. We'll tell you more. 800 the letter A in the word family. This is a very encouraging message for couples who are in a pretty good place but just need a little tune up. If you need more serious help, please give us a call and we'll help you navigate that.
John Fuller: Yeah, we really do want to help and again the number is 800 the letter A in the word family. Here now is Shanti Feldhahn speaking at a convened conference for Christian business leaders in Southern California on today's Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Shanti Feldhahn: Okay. Next topic, next little thing that we found, next secret of the happy couples that I want to tackle. Um this one actually cracked me up because this is a perfect example of where what the happy couples said to do sometimes was at complete odds with what they actually did. When Jeff and I were doing the research, um you know, we would one of the ways that we would arrange interviews was if we were going to speak in a particular city, we would tell the um the organizer, you know, the honorarium, the travel expenses, like we'd go through all of that. And oh by the way, because we're in the middle of this research project, one of the other things we need to do is to have you arrange three or four interviews, hour-long interviews with one of the couples in your church that's the most happily married couple um that we can interview. And we just would dig into their lives and what their story was and we wanted to get over at the very beginning before we dug into what their habits were, we wanted to find out what their advice was because these happily married couples are asked for their advice all the time and so we wanted to get it out on the table sort of get it over with like what do you think your secrets of why you're so happily married are, which was, you know, helpful. But almost always one of the top three was it's really important to not go to bed mad. It's really really important to not go to bed mad. And so I would always say, oh yes, um absolutely, I totally agree, but um do you ever go to bed mad? Well, it's a really important principle, you know, and we tell young couples that when we do premarital counseling, you know, it's like no no no, I get it. I get that it's a really important principle, but that's not actually what I'm asking Mr. and Mrs. Happy Couple. What I really want to know is whether you personally do you ever go to bed mad? Well, you know, sometimes when we tell people this and it's like no no, I get it. And then finally we would say, no, I just want to know do you go to bed mad? And they always said yes. We found out of a thorough 1,000 couples in this study group, we found three of the happy couples that said they never went to bed mad because in reality, what they had learned is that there were times where you have two upset, exhausted, angry people who are trying to duke something out at 1:00 in the morning. At some point, nothing good is going to come from that point on, right? And then we found what I thought was the one of the biggest aha moments, the most important pieces of this puzzle. It turns out the most important thing isn't what they did the night before. The most important thing is what they did the next day. It turns out that when you wake up in the morning, half the time you kind of find that having a good night's sleep sort of solve the thing and you wake up and you're like what was that about, right? But they found that if that issue was still there the next day, the happy couples didn't let it go. They addressed it. Everybody else on the survey, they were far more likely if that issue is still there the next day, they were far more likely to just sort of hope it floated away and not deal with it. The happy couples didn't do that. If it was still there, they dealt with it. Now I will tell you that this was an occasion of great angst for me as I was recognizing what I was hearing because in every single one of these other studies, what we found through this rigorous scientific approach backed up what the Bible had said all along. We found the exact same thing scripture has been saying all along. And suddenly in this one, I was really conflicted because all of those happy couples all referenced Ephesians, don't let the sun go down on your anger, right? It's really important to not let the sun go down on your anger. They all said that. And so I was really conflicted like does it matter if it 's what the happy couples do if it's unbiblical? Like I didn't know what to do with this. I felt like to be honest to the science, I had to say what I had found, but am I steering people away from the scripture? I was really wrestling with this as both a social scientist and a follower of Jesus. And finally, a pastor who is also a counselor when I was explaining how conflicted I was, he started laughing. He was like I need to show you something. And he pulled out that verse in Ephesians in in his in his old-fashioned printed Bible as opposed to the ones that's on your phone, right? And if you look and he said look at this and he pulled out that Ephesians it's Ephesians 4:26, I think. And first of all, just as a quick aside, that passage in Ephesians isn't even referring to marriage. It 's referring to living in community and all that, but setting that aside for a minute. Pulling out his his paper Bible, he pointed to that verse and he said look at that little carrot. You know how sometimes you see in the Bibles there's a little star or a little cross and it references to another scripture. There's a tie there. I had never noticed this before, but Paul, when he was saying this, he was actually quoting a verse in the Old Testament. He was quoting a verse in the Psalms to his audience, which his audience would have been very familiar with. And the context of the overall verse is in your anger do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, okay? He was quoting Psalms 4:4. You can go look it up. He was quoting Psalms 4:4. Psalms 4:4 says in your anger do not sin. Think about it overnight and remain silent. And so the apparent issue is in your anger don't sin. If you need to duke it out at 1:00 in the morning to not sin in your anger, do that. But if you need to think about it overnight so you don't sin in your anger, do that because that was one of the things that a lot of the happy couples had found is that somebody would say something that they regretted the next morning. Someone would agree to something that they felt like railroaded into and they'd resent it the next day and that in reality that there is a benefit in waiting and actually getting a good night's sleep and that if the issue is still there to deal with it. Now I will make a little note to all the husbands in the room. Think back to what I said in the last thing about the little things that matter to men and women. For your wife, if the equivalent of the black cloud of doom is hanging over your head when it's late at night and you're arguing, you may be able to click that off and go to sleep. She's going to be staring at the ceiling all night, okay? It's really important before you go to sleep to resolve that by being able to say, look, we're okay. We just I need to sleep, but we're okay. So just a quick note about that. Okay, moving on. Next topic that we found was really really impactful. So um I want to tell you an example of um a couple that we talked to who did something and I 'm going to ask you to diagnose. I'm going to tell you this little story. I'm going to ask you to diagnose what he was doing. So I would always ask these couples it was kind of fun actually the happy couples I would always ask them to take me through their last argument, their last fight and hope that, you know, we weren't causing marriage problems when they drove away from talking to us. Um but one of the guys this was a very typical situation. He when we said take us through your last fight, he said I'll just tell you something that happened a few days ago. He had apparently been working really long hours like 70 80 hour weeks because his company was trying to land this um big deal, this big contract. And he it was all culminating in on Thursday morning at like 6:00 in the morning he was going to get on the plane and go to some other city and sign this massive contract. So weeks and weeks and weeks Thursday morning he was going to get on a plane. On Wednesday, he had been working so many hours. He hadn't had a time to get to the dry cleaners and so he had no clean shirts for this trip. Um and so his wife they had three little kids and so he called his wife multiple times and said, look, if are you sure you're going to be able to get to the dry cleaners? Cuz if you can't, I can, but I have to cuz I have no shirts for this trip. And she's like, yes, honey, yes, it's fine. And he's like, are you sure? He called her three times or for three times because he said she could be a little scatterbrain and forget these things and running around with the kids. And she said, no no, I got it. I got it. He said I arrived home at 10:00 at night to find the dry cleaners was closed and she had forgotten to get the shirts. And he said, I was so mad. I said, okay, what'd you do? Cuz like this is why I always have to diagnose what's going on. He's like, you know, you don't even want to know what I was thinking. I'm like, yes, I do. I want to know exactly what you're thinking. And so here's what he said he did. He's like, I went stomping downstairs. I was so upset. Apparently he does um carpentry like as sort of a a way of like a hobby or whatever. So he said I went stomping downstairs to my workshop and I'm down there with the pieces of wood and I've got a rubber mallet and I'm pounding the wood together and I'm like, okay, what are you thinking? And he said, I'm thinking I'm so furious cuz I asked her three times and she does this all the time. And he was like explaining this. And then he said, but that's not really fair because I know the kids were sick and the baby was you know, needing to go to the doctor and then she had to stand in line at the pharmacist's office and then have to go all the way across town for the other medicines and you know, he's going on and on and on. And and then you know, she has still had to go to the grocery store and make us dinner and she always makes us dinner no matter what's going on. Every night she makes sure to make dinner no matter how late I'm home and she's such a good wife and why am I being such a jerk? Do you see what he did? Diagnose for me. What did he just do? Wasn't just that he forgave her. He started thinking about the positive to talk himself out of being mad.
Jim Daly: This is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly and you're listening to Shanti Feldhahn. Her book is called The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and we'd be happy to send that to you for a donation of any amount to this ministry. Make that contribution when you call 800 the letter A in the word Family or donate, support the show, and request the book at our website focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. We also have a free gift for you today, The Nurturing the Heart of Your Spouse audio collection with the full six hours of encouragement for your marriage including this message from Shanti. Sign up for that at our website. Let's return now to more from Shanti Feldhahn.
Shanti Feldhahn: That's something that we found the happy couples did not universally, but in huge numbers that they focused on the things that were good and excellent and lovely and worthy of praise rather than the things that were worthy of driving them crazy Ephesians 4:8. Excuse me, Philippians 4:8 is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. Sorry, Philippians 4:8. In the middle of something that was a legitimate concern, they focused on the good things to talk themselves out of being mad. This was to me this was a powerful powerful um surprise, a powerful mechanism because it is so easy for us when we are upset, legitimately upset and legitimately angry, we can it's not just that we can stew on something. It's truly that we can talk ourselves further and further and further into being upset about this and further and further and further into hopelessness when instead an answer can be as close as finding the good that is there all along and focusing on that. Even though this other thing is still out here, focusing on that thing that's going to change our minds that's every bit as real as the thing that's driving us crazy. Incredibly important for us to sort of put that type of thinking cap on when we're upset. And the problem is is when we're upset is when we least want to do that, right? When we're upset is when it's really easy to want to wallow in being upset. So the question is do you want to wallow or do you want a happy marriage? Because it looks like those two things are mutually exclusive. And it makes all the difference in the world if you will focus on the positive. I'll give you a little example of this. So Jeff um we have had many marriage issues in years past because I am unfortunately in our marriage. I am the messy one and Jeff is the neat one. And so for any of you women out here who are the neat ones and you're frustrated that your husband is messy at times, can I just beg for grace on the part of the messy person in the relationship um because it it's just not a thing for me. It's just I didn't get that gene. Um and I I hope my mom never sees this video, but like my mom is the most amazing wonderful human being on the planet, but she didn't know how to keep things neat either, so I never learned it. Literally when I was 12 years old, we were out walking the neighborhood and um we came home to find police cars in front of our home. And another neighbor, a friend, had come over to have a cup of coffee or something and had called the police cuz she thought our house had been ransacked. I never learned how to keep a neat house and I try. It's not that bad, you know, I try, but it would drive Jeff absolutely crazy that I would pile up mail on the island or whatever or you know, the kids Legos and toys would be over the you know, living room floor or my shoes would be sitting in the kitchen where they had no right to be or whatever. And it would just bug him so much. And he would pray and ask God, help me figure out how to deal with this. And then one day, he felt like the Lord said, look at those Legos. Look at those shoes. Look at that mail stacked up on the island. Yeah, that drives you crazy, but that's a sign that you have a wonderful wife who adores you and two little kids who think you are the best thing ever. And you could be living in a perfectly neat pristine apartment back in Boston and be all alone. And how grateful you should be that even though yeah, this stuff drives you crazy, think about how grateful you are that that's a sign that you have a wife you prayed for and two little kids that you love and who love you. And he said it completely took away that that malaise, that black cloud of doom that was about that issue. And I would encourage you guys, whatever that issue is that drives you crazy, when you get into an argument, stop yourself the next time and look for those things that are excellent and lovely and worthy of praise and focus on that. You'll find that it actually stops that train of thought even before it gets started. Okay, final thing. So one of the one of the other topics really simple um is that we found that no matter what the happy couples, how they viewed each other, all the things that they did one of the primary things that they considered about the other person was they considered that their spouse was their best friend. And no matter what, they treated their spouse first and foremost like a best friendship. Now studies have been done on what makes somebody best friends. What are the the things that actually make you able to be best friends with somebody? The great and the studies have found the greatest predictor of friendship is absolutely not what you would think it is. If I were to ask you guys the greatest predict what do you think the greatest predictor of friendship is, you'd probably say the same things that I did I cuz I would have said, I don't know, you know, shared attitudes um similar temperaments, similar values, you know, those kinds of things. And instead those are a distant second, third, and fourth. The number one predictor of friendship is geographic proximity. You are the best friends of the people that you see the most often and we all know that's true because we've all had really really close friends who moved away or we moved away and you so care about each other. You still love each other, but you just don't see each other as often. You're just not as you're not as intimate. You're not as close and it works the exact same way in marriage is that the most happily married couples regardless and they were there were couples who were deployed, there were couples who traveled away from each other for business all the time in this group. Regardless of what their lifestyle was, they made it a point to treat each other like best friends who had to see each other or talk or communicate often in order to keep their friendship with each other tight. And this is honestly one of the things that happens when you get into tension with the other person, it's really easy to want to avoid the other person so you avoid the conflict and actually that's the worst thing that you can do. The happy couples instead of avoiding the temptation to avoid each other, they spent more time together, not less to rebuild their friendship. Um final little example, I was talking to one of the women who had been in a really really troubled marriage. I mean to the point that they were really seriously considering divorce and the only thing keeping them together was they had three little kids and they didn't want to give up on this vow they'd made before God. And she said, I looked at our calendar and I looked at how much time each week these three little kids were very busy and um they were very busy. She said, I looked at how much time each week we spent together just talking, just hanging out as friends, the way we used to kind of not dealing with, you know, schedules and logistics, but just talking. She said it was about 15 minutes a week. And she's like, no wonder we're having these marriage problems. We we're not even friends anymore. We don't even like each other. And so she looked at her schedule and she said, what can I do to change it? And there was very little without rearranging everything, but she realized twice a week her husband took their seven year old to tee ball practice twice a week. And she said there is no reason in the world that I have to load up the two younger children to drive with him to tee ball twice a week except that is 20 minutes there on the way and 20 minutes back twice a week. And she said at the beginning that is all she changed and it completely changed their marriage because they were now spending that extra 40 minutes, those two days just talking and sharing and catching up and they started to like each other again. And that one thing allowed the spark of a lot of the other things that had to happen in order to restore their marriage. I would really encourage you um to look from if you have a good marriage and want to make it great, spend more time together. If you have a marriage that's struggling in some areas, spend more time together just as friends. You'll see the difference that it makes.
Jim Daly: And that concludes the presentation from Shanti Feldhahn today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. John, this has been such a great two-part message from Shanti. Let me just recap the main points for those who tuned in a bit late. Based on her research with thousands of married couples, Shanti offered these simple ideas to improve your marriage. For wives, she noted that men need to feel respected and appreciated, so thanking your husband for everyday tasks is very important. Saying things like thank you for changing that light bulb actually benefits your marriage. Shanti also noted that men have an emotional need to feel sexually desired by their wives. It's not just a physical thing. So wives need to think of that as a high priority. For husbands, Shanti explained that most women feel very insecure about how lovable they are. So whenever there's tension or conflict in your relationship, it's really important for men to reassure their wives that they still love them in spite of the current difficulty. Shanti provided some great insights into the Bible verse that says don't let the sun go down on your anger, which results in lots of couples fighting until the wee hours of the morning. A pastor pointed out that's actually a reference to Psalm 4:4, which says in your anger do not sin. Think about it overnight and remain silent. He said the emphasis is on not sinning when you're angry and it's okay to think about it overnight if that's what's needed. And Shanti found that most of the extremely happy couples were able to do just that set the argument aside for the night.
Shanti Feldhahn: That really is good advice and Dean and I have experienced that. We've had moments where we're both tired and continuing a conflict or disagreement just is not going to be productive and so we've just said, you know what, we're too hungry or too tired, we can't even think straight, so let's come back to this. Right. And Shanti also pointed out that we can talk ourselves into being mad at our spouse by stewing about their faults or we can talk ourselves out of being angry by remembering their best characteristics. We can choose to emphasize the positive in our marriage. And John, let me point out that we've been providing counseling services for almost 50 years. Since the very beginning of this ministry, we want to be there for you when you need us most and that's only possible because of the generosity of our donors. We're so thankful for you. You make it happen and if you'd like to support marriages through Focus on the Family, let me encourage you to give right now during a special matching opportunity. Help us bring hope and joy to struggling marriages and friends of this ministry will double your gift right now. When you make a donation of any amount, I'd like to send you a copy of Shanti's book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. It is chock-full of simple helpful ideas like you heard today. Regardless of whatever you can give, we have a free gift for you. Visit us online to access a collection of audio downloads called Nurturing the Heart of Your Spouse with six hours of content. You'll hear time-tested marriage advice from our own Dr. Greg Smalley, Dan and Jane Seaborn, Dr. Ken Wilgus plus this message from Shanti Feldhahn. Let us bless your marriage. Yeah, and you can find that free audio collection at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. And you can also give us a call if you need a callback from one of our caring Christian counselors. Our number is 800 the letter A and the word Family. Next time, author and stepmom Laura Petherbridge shares practical advice for blended families.
Laura Petherbridge: So I had to learn, Laura, this is his child. This is the her mother's child. This is not your child. You don't get to dictate this. If the parents are okay with this, you have to let this go.
Shanti Feldhahn: Yeah.
Laura Petherbridge: This is not a hill to die on.
Shanti Feldhahn: That's next time on Focus on the Family and remember when you get in touch, let us know how you're listening on our website, through our mobile app, or on our podcast feed. I'm John Fuller and on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, join us next time as we help you and your family thrive.
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