Authoritative vs Authoritarian Parenting Which One Is Truly Biblical

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Your child saunters home from school, nibbles on a snack, and you remind them to do their homework. Instead, they sneak away to the computer and start playing video games. How do you react? Here are two scenarios.

The authoritative parent will register disappointment at the child for flouting the rules. They will then seek to understand why they made that choice. After hearing the child out, they will remind them of the importance of doing things at the right time. As a consequence, they may ban the child from using the computer that week. They will then review the child’s evening schedule together and make any necessary adjustments. 

On the other hand, the authoritarian parent may instinctively yell at the child for flouting the rules and ban them from touching the computer for a month. They may also phone the child’s teacher and report the child’s disregard for homework. They may also threaten and shame the child from time to time, reminding them of that fateful day they chose video games over their homework. 

What is Authoritative Parenting?

Here, parents set high expectations and clear guidelines for their children while maintaining a close, supportive, and nurturing environment. Although clear and firm limits are set, open communication and negotiation are encouraged and permitted. The children also get involved in stipulating expectations and rules.

Before any disciplinary measures are employed, the parent connects with the child, extending empathy and understanding. Furthermore, the discipline measures employed are fair and aimed at teaching, rather than punishment. They may include positive reinforcement, the use of natural consequences, redirecting behavior, and the use of logical consequences. Parents are not rigid but adjust their expectations depending on the situation and the child’s needs. 

Authoritative parenting cultivates independence in children, fosters responsibility, and promotes healthy self-esteem. Children also exhibit healthy social and emotional skills, replicating the same respect and empathy they are accorded at home to others. They also exhibit resilience, leadership, problem-solving skills, and academic excellence. The cherry on top? They enjoy a healthy, warm, and loving relationship with their parents, which lasts well into their teenage years and adulthood. 

What is Authoritarian Parenting?

Here it's all about the rules and the quest for perfection. Parents establish strict rules for the children to adhere to without negotiation. There is little nurturing and emotional support, with the children’s opinions receiving scant attention. The rules are often cast in stone, and deviation attracts punishment. 

Non-adherence is regarded as failure. There’s little affection and connection between the parents and children, as it's all about performance. 

Children raised through this form of parenting have squeaky-clean manners. They stay on the straight and narrow mostly because they fear getting punished. Unfortunately, they may struggle to form healthy relationships with their peers due to poor social skills. Many of them become timid and struggle with low self-esteem. They may also be unable to make independent decisions. As some grow older, they rebel as a way of breaking away from their parents’ tight grip. 

Which of these two parenting styles mirrors biblical wisdom? We are glad you asked. Here are three pointers. 

Communication is Paramount

“Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the Lord, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool” (Isaiah 1:18)

God values communication. In the scripture above, we see him nudging the nation of Israel into a conversation. Each party would be accorded time to state its case. God would speak, and the Israelites would respond in kind. It would not be a monologue but a full-fledged dialogue. Good communication is a two-way process, even when it comes to children. 

Authoritarian parenting disregards the child's feelings and views. The parents position themselves as the ultimate authority. The approach used is “Do these things because I said so.” A monologue rather than dialogue is employed. This stifles a child’s confidence and ability to express themselves. They interpret it to mean that their views are not too important. It punctures their self-worth.

Authoritative parenting, however, accommodates the child’s feelings and opinions right from the rule-setting stage. The child feels heard, affirmed, and validated. This gives their self-esteem a hefty boost. It adds a spring in their step. 

Jesus warned against disregarding children. When the disciples tried to shield him from them, he rebuked them. He affirmed the children and gave his time and attention to them. 

Authoritative parenting, therefore, applies biblical wisdom in communication because children are not disregarded. Paul encouraged Timothy not to allow anyone to look down on him because he was young (1 Timothy 4:12). Children deserve to be heard and respected.

Chastening should lead to Improvement

“Now, no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11)

Authoritarian parenting uses harsh discipline measures like yelling, spanking, shaming, and grounding. Perfection is demanded, and there’s little to no tolerance for mistakes. Fear and pain are instilled in the process. This may cause a trail of adverse reactions in the children, such as anxiety, low self-esteem, aggression, and poor social skills.

In contrast, authoritative parenting uses discipline measures to teach and support the child’s growth journey. The aim is not to punish but to redirect. It fosters responsible, independent, and well-adjusted children. 

God’s intention for discipline is that it may produce righteousness. It should leave us better than we were, not cripple us further. Authoritative parenting helps children improve, while authoritarian parenting damages them, stripping them of their identity. 

Children Need Gentle Nurturing and Love

Nobody craves gentle nurturing more than a child. Children feel safe and acquire a sense of belonging when they sense love and care from their parents. They develop healthily in all aspects: physically, socially, and emotionally. Love is the overarching need in a child’s life.

Children raised through authoritative parenting tend to sense this love more than their counterparts. This is because their parents listen to them and incorporate their views. They also extend empathy and respect to their children. Love is not tossed out the window in the parents’ quest for exemplary kids. 

Although authoritarian parents may still love their children deeply, the child may not sense this love. It slips right through the cracks created by harsh rules, towering expectations, and the demand for perfection. 

“He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm,

and carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those who are with young.” (Isiah 40:11)

God leads us gently. He recognises that the young lambs may not keep up with the pace of the older ones. He therefore scoops them up and nestles them into his bosom. He does not insist that they should move at the speed of the older sheep. On the flip side, authoritarian parenting holds children to very high standards, so much so that the children end up feeling unappreciated and unloved. 

There are numerous desirable attributes that parents hope to see in their children. However, without love, parents may as well give up on them. Children need to sense love to thrive. Without love, an authoritarian parent will sound like a sounding brass or a clanging cymbal (1 Corinthians 13:1).

Paul reminds us that our gentleness should be evident to all (Philippians 4:5). Our children are not exempt from witnessing our gentleness. In fact, seeing that they are the ones who need it most, why not lavish it on them?

Authoritative parenting mirrors biblical wisdom as it uses love as the overarching factor.

Photo Courtesy: ©Getty Images/Mayur Kakade

Keren is a freelance writer who digs up the wisdom nestled in God's word as she weighs in on parenting, marriage, and a plethora of life issues. Read more of her work in her newsletter Wisdom Trails.